Coping up with the D

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3 ways in which I learned to cope up with my depression:
1) Proactive – Everyone is different from one another. Know yourself. Know your symptoms. Know what triggers you. Develop your own ways to cope up with your depression.
2) Urgency – Delegate tasks. Know which one should be done first before depression hits you (because we all know depression stops you from accomplishing things even when we need to). Do what needs to be done before you do what you want. Know what is urgent. Avoid stress because stress leads to depressive cycles.
3) Difficulty – List down tasks from easy, medium and difficult. Make yourself feel accomplished and ready to take more difficult tasks ahead. Tell depression “You don’t have me. I got this.” 

(things I tell myself on good days)

People think that a procedure to forget or to manage pain in memory such as the one in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is science fiction, but in reality it isn’t.

eternal_web_1024I’ve been under medication for the past few months for depression and anxiety. The thing about depression is that you worry so much about the past, while in anxiety, you worry much about the future. This happens often both in excess to the point that worry becomes unnecessary and that it hinders your from living to the present (or that’s how I see it). I remember watching “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” a couple of years back and think now that the concept of “forgetting” to manage pain from a failed relationship to a humiliating experience through a procedure is not as far fetched from what is happening in real life. Coming from a failed relationship that triggered my recent episode of depression and anxiety, I remember drinking medication to manage the pain that I felt to be “functional”. There are also other ways in which people find ways or treatments to depression such as Electroconvulsive Therapy (ECT) in which one can probably parallel it to the film. I guess this was what Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind was really all about. It was about people managing the pain or loss that paved way their depression. It was unfortunate though, whether it be science fiction or in real life that we find forgetting as the only way to manage these feelings.

Today’s not good

There are good days and not so good days but today’s not good. A definite negative answer to a supposedly good day. I am overwhelmed by feelings, emotions, thoughts, worries, practically anything I can think of. I can probably make a list of the things that I worry about.

  1. What do I have to do to sustain my needs. I need something to help myself. I need to find a way to support myself financially.
  2. I think stopping my therapy, medication and trip to my psychiatrist will lessen my worries financially.
  3. But what if I stop going to the doctor and I end up, “giving up”. What if I won’t be able to hit the breaks before I finally crash?
  4. I feel ashamed for not being able to make something of myself.
  5. I need to find a way out of this.
  6. I don’t know if I’ll be able to push through my graduate studies.
  7. What if I stop my graduate studies and just work to live and pay for my medication.
  8. What if I do that and I end up not being happy.
  9. I wish I could help the family like I used to.
  10. I feel like a failure right now.
  11. I terribly don’t know what to do.
  12. I don’t know who to run to.
  13. I’m so tired of feeling too many things. I just want to stop.

I want to run away from myself. I wish there was a better way to be myself. I wish I could just skip days like these and move forward to better days.

Lotus

I read a saying about how a lotus first begins to grow in a nasty and muddy environment, but then it grows and rises out of the mud to become one of the most beautiful flowers in nature. I guess the same goes to people who rise from a dark place into beauty and rebirth whatever circumstances they face. Here’s to challenges and to rising above them. Cheers.

Mata: an evolution 

Taken last January 6. I was trying my best to sketch eyes on my drawing pad. 

First quick eye sketch-aketch. Like how. How to make eyes. How to draw. How to life. *throws paper and pencil, cries hysterically while sliding down my back to the door*

Now at January 7,  I tried my best studying how eyes are constructed and tried my best to recreate colors using watercolor. 

Hello! Sorry for the background clutter! 

Tadah! 

My first watercolor study this 2017. “Mata” An upclose study of the eye.

There is some relief in knowing that I was able to pull this one off. Here’s to more eye opening challenges in life. Cheers!