Note: I cannot find a fitting way to start writing about how I’ve learned and rediscovered so much about happiness these past few years. I have read and listened to so many talks not just about depression, but also about life, mental illnesses, happiness and many more. However, I am in no way an expert in any of this. Like all other illnesses, depression manifests in different ways, and has different signs and symptoms. There is no single way on how to identify depression and there are no two people with completely similar feelings and dispositions in life. My personal experiences with my depression and all other mental illnesses, and my journey towards my own happiness, are of my own. There is no one way towards a cure or a happiness. This is a culminating of my own journey.
Everything ends, and so does the search for ones happiness.
For those who have known me, I have struggled with depression for years, had my share of countless list of medications, hours and years of therapy sessions, hospitalizations, suicide attempts and being at the edge of life. Like many people with depression, I’ve tried almost everything in the book that could help me, and I’ve always turned to God to guide me, but depression doesn’t care in all of these. Like love and God, depression works in mysterious ways. It creeps to you when you least expect it. Depression is the thief that snatches away the pleasure of life and of living. It replaces life with empty, echoing halls and haunts you with the noise of your own footsteps. Depression made me look at the life I had before more than I should. I frequented in my thoughts the idea of my former self as I have lost hope on happiness. I would look at old photographs of myself with friends and my accomplishments, and lingered on to memories of past relationships–“I just wish I could be who I was before” was the greatest consolation because that is the only happiness that I have experienced and known comparing it to the self that am now. Depression makes you look at yourself too critically. You blame yourself for not being able to surpass your former self and happiness. Everyday is a race to be better than who you were before, and if you’ve failed, you look down on yourself. I was hungry to be better, and in turn I always thought that things in the future SHOULD be better to be happy. I think this is where the fault lies in my, in other people’s search for happiness. We always think happiness only occurs when things are better than how it was before. While a standard of being better is better for somethings in life, happiness is not one of those things.
(to be continued)