When you feel something other than fear

I feel angry. I missed my medication yesterday evening and for the first time I feel free  of the worry or feeling of nothingness that medication has brought me. Worry always comes even without a welcome invitation. Feeling nothing can be both a comfort and a curse for someone living under medication. Medication can be a comfort so you don’t have to bear the hardship of ever shifting moods that gives you the feeling of surrender, and a curse as if you’re constantly feeling as if you’re drifting out of yourself, on auto-pilot, alive but not really living. For the first time after a very long time, I felt angry and I have never been happy and proud to feel something. It made me feel alive.

I don’t even know if I’d want to start sharing what made me feel angry, all I do know is it was because of the past relationship I had. For the first time I felt a jolt of energy kick in inside of me telling me that defending him for all his mistakes towards me is enough. Today I realised that I have been too good, too forgiving to a person who does not even look for forgiveness. Perhaps I have been gradually heading to the direction of being full-blown mentally ill, however, it is only now that I have realised that “he” had something to do with this too and that I should stop blaming only myself.

I’m sure if I were to talk to my therapist right now he’d ask me the question: Why are you angry?

And my response would be:

I am angry because I have never felt so low in my life to raise someone high. I am angry because now I know that I deserve better things than the words he last shoved to my face. I believed those words more than ever because I placed him on a pedestal. I let those words fuel me with fear and constant self-doubt that I will never be better than who I was before him. I believed that he was better and that I deserved less.

More than fighting with myself, today I learned while feeling angry that I need to love myself first.

*gulps medication*

One day without medication is enough for now. It’s a good start.

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