It probably isn’t the first time you’ll be encountering a post about someone finding it difficult to sleep. This isn’t probably the first time you’ve heard about someone resorting to writing on a blog to waste the night away as he or she finds a way out the labyrinth of a tied up maze of consciousness and unconsciousness at the wee hours of the night.
Things may sound typical but I’m not afraid of sounding just like the rest of everyone (or at least finding someone who completely feels the same exact way). Looking at a mirror now seems comforting. Knowing that I am not alone in feeling certain things is a relief in a way. I guess I want to know I belong at least in a category of things I can label my feelings with when I myself don’t understand where I am. Perhaps if I know someone out there who feels the exact same way, that person can serve as a guide to help me pin point a start to the journey out of the labyrinth (if they are in progress) or at least find someone I can hold hands with as I journey through things as I pee my pants around being bat-shit scared. I am finding it difficult to sleep and I am scared. If it is instinct to a child to navigate through mazes with ease, I feel like an infant crawling and falling into infinite rabbit holes. Sometimes I wonder if I should keep on moving or if I should stay in a place, close my eyes, pretend the lights are off and that the world will resume in its proper order and chaos as it has always been.
Life is scarier than usual now and the scary things is, I don’t know when it started getting way scarier than I usually expected it to be. I wish someone was still awake to talk to at this hour. I can’t help but cry, close my eyes and force myself to sleep as I try to calculate situations of yesterday and tomorrow at present.
I just want to turn the lights off tonight, stop thinking about the maze I am stuck in and find some peace and quiet.