As much as I have graced people’s feeds with sadness or grief, I don’t want to fill my life’s pages with worry, doubt, regret and anxiety. I also have my happy days. My happy days are usually filled and busy, and I don’t have time to write about how good things are, but I’d like to take a pause today and remember all the things I’m grateful for. I always take hour or days putting myself in negative headspace. Why not take a moment and try to remember good things for now?
- It has been a wonderful past few weeks as KZG and I have decided to come back together and see where our the direction of our relationship will go. Things have been taking a good turn, despite days sometimes being ruined by me being emotional. KZG has been trying his best to understand me and listen to me. I know how uncomfortable it is to trod on feelings and emotions for him and I appreciate every once of him going out of his comfort zone and reaching out to the bits and pieces of me that are sometimes unreasonable. I like how his being stable keeps me grounded and helps me aim to be better myself. I am drawing inspiration from him on difficult days and helping myself be the best I can be on those dire moments. I am growing and realising things for myself, and it feels so wonderful to have someone to share the growing parts and realisations, to process things together when life gets though and to have someone believe that you are capable of things when you are in doubt. These are just some of the things I will always be thankful for K.
- I walked with my mom to the market together and had a really good chat with her as she bought things to make dinner with. I shared some of my thoughts about life with her and how happy I am. Shared how KZG and I are. It’s a nice memory to keep and I think I’d remember it for a long time.
- I am thankful for the good moments of control I’ve been having with myself. It hasn’t been entirely perfect but the times in which I find myself celebrating over small victories are the things that I am most proud of especially when I did it on my own. Moments of defeat are also celebrated as they are also moments in which lessons are learned.
Have you ever had that feeling before something bad happens in a horror movie? It’s the silence and the feeling as the camera pans out and you start looking at the background images waiting for the horror to leap out off the screen. The world feels so silent before all horrors appear. It’s amazing how well everything seems in silence or before tragedy strikes.
The silence of the evening scares me at times. It reminds me of empty thoughts and how my empty thoughts often lead to personal horrors. Having to stay up with myself in complete silence and darkness is scary. I have never craved for the warmth of someone to cradle me until now. Someone rescue me from the silence.
There’s a puzzle in my head that I can’t seem to get through. I get scared over the thoughts that come sometimes and how unpredictable I have become even to myself. I have to constantly check on myself. One slip on the curb and I completely drown on feelings and emotions that just come and bathe me.
No matter how much I seem put together on the outside, I am nothing but a Jenga puzzle ready to fall off anytime, in constant wobble despite the careful twisting and tilting of pieces.
If I wanted to be happy before, I just want to be at least okay now. This constant unpredictability of the self and the constant need to manage in order to be functional has been exhausting. I just want to be okay. I just want to be okay.
Talking about the truth has always been taboo. I guess a lie comes with the comfort of a staged reality that has always been much more convenient for a lot of people to accept. Fantasies are zones of comfort that we’ve chosen like brick walls over glass houses. There’s something too vulnerable in being truly seen on inside and know that the transparencies can crumble anytime. There is the fear of the glass house falling into rubble with you at the center, standing, ready to be hit by jagged pieces. On the other hand, brick walls are brick walls. The privacy and comfort of hiding the uncared garden with the fancy-mossed brick walls always does the trick of making the invisible seem like a lush paradise. People would always wonder what is beyond the walls until they’ve found the key to the secret door and see that there is nothing more than a weeded out heart at the center, aching to be pruned and tended.
I sometimes wonder if I should tell how I really feel on the inside. I’m afraid of being seen truly yet I know it is the only way of being heard. I am afraid of being naked with truth and be looked at with disgust and pity. I put up my brick walls to fence people out from taking what treasures I have left, from seeing the ugliness I have turned to, and perhaps myself too to keep me and shelter me from the hard blows of life–my realities and the world’s realities.
Because let’s face it, the truth is ugly and unacceptable until you have no other choice but to take it.
2 days of the D and not really going anywhere other than down. How I dealt with today? Forced myself to get up. Forced myself to eat. Forced myself to bathe. Forced myself to breathe. Basically forced myself to live. The only 2 things I enjoyed doing today? I watched Sierra Burgess is a Loser and finished going through Jack Vettriano’s book. I’ve basically only been awake for 3 hours today and I can only look forward to sleeping.
I’ve been doing this “Take a photo of yourself everyday” thing so I can keep track of my mood and how I feel each day and these are some of my observations. So I’ve been literally on a high this past week. I felt happier more than what some would consider happy and it wasn’t entirely a bad thing. I had the pleasure of playing dress up everyday and getting dolled up than usual. I was performing well with my clients, being more sociable than usual, extending an arm out. I was exceptionally hyped up with my thesis proposal that I found myself awake up to 5am writing and revising ideas. I felt like I could do anything. I could change the community with my ideas. I could pour out and love all my kids endlessly and it gave me so much happiness to know how much I am appreciated back by parents who’ve stood with me through the years. Then last night it suddenly hit me. At 11pm I started feeling differently. I was on my study time so I knew I should feel better because studying does make me feel good, but at that time, my mood shifted 360 and I was caught off guard. I felt alone and lonely. I felt ashamed. I felt sorry. I felt helpless. I found myself revisiting photos from the past and re-evaluating past relationships. I felt that people were better off happy without me. I felt I didn’t matter and expendable. I felt depressed looking at how happy things were and how things weren’t exactly going for what I was aiming for. At the same time I was looking at my past, I was continously anxious about my future. I kept on asking why I wasn’t happy. Why others can and I can’t be and I couldn’t wrap my finger around it. I wanted to control how I felt (OCD) and it made me feel helpless. The unpredictability of emotions that evening didn’t help. I felt drowning figuratively and literally. I was on a mental treadmill for 30 minutes having an anxiety attack and I knew everyone was fast asleep. I didn’t know who to talk to without having to feel guilty that I was bothering the. My head exploding with ideas and with feelings misdirected. I was starting to blame myself for everything and it was beginning to get tiring. Exhausting. Lonely.
(here’s today’s mood photo, totally swamped with the feeling of depression. Finding it difficult to take care of myself)
I was being put on the edge by myself. The thoughts weren’t nice. It was addicting to think it through and through. I stopped looking for reasons and found myself writing letters. I couldn’t bring myself to tap into another person again and ask for help because I was afraid of getting rejected or I was afraid I would cause harm to another person that I love so much. I don’t want to drive away the people that I love. It felt it was better to struggle alone but I knew I was already on the losing end. I tried praying but it wasn’t helping me calm down anymore. Finally, I messaged two of the people who meant to me the most and they didn’t fail me. Last night’s goal was not to “go”. It was a couple of hours before I found myself calm and okay enough. To everyone, I am sorry. At that moment I felt that more than failing myself, I was failing everyone who hoped I would be okay. I knew how much people would message me everyday and tell me how much I matter or how much I changed them but sometimes the other side eats you up more. I wanted to message everyone who told me to call them when things like this happen, but I couldn’t bring another person down and drown with me. Until now I feel sorry and guilty for having the thoughts. But I am fighting. I am fighting. I’m trying my best.
You meant the world to me in a short span of time.
I’m sorry I couldn’t be the happy person you wanted. I wish I was. I really hoped.
Like I told you I wouldn’t lie but I hoped it would be you. It broke my heart for us to leave it that way that evening.
I will always miss you. Always.