More than a year under treatment, I thought to myself that I was finally able to get a hold back of my life. Kaya ko na and for the first time again I was finally able to function back. 3 weeks ago, I woke up and suddenly felt myself sink back in the hole for no apparent reason. Two steps forward and three steps back, that was what it felt like. In the silence of the morning, I found myself in war with my thoughts. I felt giving up again. In that hour, I thought of ways on how I’d write a letter of apology on how I’d end my life. I thought of ways on how to ease the suffering. That hour felt like one of the longest hours with mental battle to hold on to life and be thankful of the small things. The night before that, I was happily talking to my mom about my plans in life, but the morning after I ended up almost giving up. I guess this is what they say about depression having no face. Depression has no warnings. It just happens. No matter how positive, loving and passionate you are about life, depression robs you of all of those and replaces all hope with defeat and loss. It’s unfortunate that despite the happiness and laughter, there will always be a incomprehensible side from within that people may find difficult to understand when you suffer from depression.
Started with new medication last September 5. Body adjusting. Headaches, mood swings. Attacks happening more frequent than usual. Anxiety tremors back. A constant battle with the shakes again. Back to trial and error phase. It was not an easy week battling with my thoughts but I have so much to be thankful of and for.
A book title that most likely summarizes my feeling this morning. I may not be entirely happy but at least I feel good for now. There is some relief in knowing there are people who have faith in you to push through life. Yesterday I started my session with my psychotherapist and got a hold of how professional cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) works. It’s good to know that whatever CBT practice I tried with myself from researching drug alternatives is in sync with what we will be doing in the next few sessions. He even asked me to bring my safety plan and mood charts I did so we can process it together. I’m proud of the steps I took and I’m about to take. Cheers (but for now no alcoholic beverages :))
(Feelings of anxiety and depression clouding over today but I’m fighting)
Sometimes I feel like I’m in a constant state of limbo. My life is a place not knowing where to belong. Not knowing what to feel. It’s probably why I don’t like dusk that much. No matter how much I’ve written and taken photos about beautiful sunsets in the past, the dusk reminds me how much confusing it gets inside my head. It reminds me of how easily the dark just gobbles up the remaining light–slowly but surely turning every familiar shape to a strange shadow. The height of the darkness is you feeling a stranger to yourself and feeling suffocated with your own questioning presence. ESCAPE. You try to search for light but you soon realise that the bulb is broken no matter how much you try to switch the lights on and that you’re left to wallow in your own pit of strange darkness.
It’s difficult to rescue yourself from yourself.
I feel angry. I missed my medication yesterday evening and for the first time I feel free of the worry or feeling of nothingness that medication has brought me. Worry always comes even without a welcome invitation. Feeling nothing can be both a comfort and a curse for someone living under medication. Medication can be a comfort so you don’t have to bear the hardship of ever shifting moods that gives you the feeling of surrender, and a curse as if you’re constantly feeling as if you’re drifting out of yourself, on auto-pilot, alive but not really living. For the first time after a very long time, I felt angry and I have never been happy and proud to feel something. It made me feel alive.
I don’t even know if I’d want to start sharing what made me feel angry, all I do know is it was because of the past relationship I had. For the first time I felt a jolt of energy kick in inside of me telling me that defending him for all his mistakes towards me is enough. Today I realised that I have been too good, too forgiving to a person who does not even look for forgiveness. Perhaps I have been gradually heading to the direction of being full-blown mentally ill, however, it is only now that I have realised that “he” had something to do with this too and that I should stop blaming only myself.
I’m sure if I were to talk to my therapist right now he’d ask me the question: Why are you angry?
And my response would be:
I am angry because I have never felt so low in my life to raise someone high. I am angry because now I know that I deserve better things than the words he last shoved to my face. I believed those words more than ever because I placed him on a pedestal. I let those words fuel me with fear and constant self-doubt that I will never be better than who I was before him. I believed that he was better and that I deserved less.
More than fighting with myself, today I learned while feeling angry that I need to love myself first.
One day without medication is enough for now. It’s a good start.
I’ve been floating for quite sometime now. I want to feel the earth beneath me. My mind’s been feeling like a mush from all the medication and I don’t know if I’m just over thinking about it a lot or if it is right to voice out how being on medication makes one feel on a “steady”, “safe”, “almost-autopilot” like feeling. I don’t even know if it is right to be in this state. Somedays I feel confused on what to feel. I overthink and end up not knowing where to place myself.
There are days I contemplate if it is better to be off medication to feel something, but then not being on medication also meant feeling too much.